VOLUME 387456 ISSUE 6 cOUSIN SHORTYS FREE FREE CHICKEN SHEEt UNDERVALUED MAIL TIP SHEET RUMOR NEWSLETTER!!!! © cOUSIN SHORTy

AHAHA AHAHA AHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

HEllO HEllO agIAN TO All My Freinds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cOUSIN SHORTY Hear agaIN with anothER INNERVIEw to Hlep my FREInds understand the INS AND Outs of the Stick Markit!!! TO DDISeminal VItals InformatION< Won of tha MAIN thinGD s that WE usless on ouR Home plant Flamfoozy is a NuseWires SERVICe.

And so, This WeaK WE HALf the SENilE EXECutive of the NEWESt FLAmFOzzy [editor's note: Flamfoozy is cOUSIN SHORTY's home planet] WORLDWIDENEWs service,

Ms. Nern Nooscummy of FFLAMFoozy BATGUANoWIRe!!!!!!!!!!!1

© 1999 Flamfoozy Batguanowire, all rights reserved, no part of this or anything else even remotely connected with anything vaguely having to do with anything possible on this planet or any other planet anywhere in the known universe may be reproduced, or in any way copied, stored, or transmitted without express written permission which we will sue your ass for if you don't get it, and call the federal authorities in too, even though they will most certainly see we are full of carndiggle ca-ca, you repulsive and insignificant lump of rat purulence. FBW is from another planet, and is totally different from any kind of business on your planet, so there is no possible way to compare FBW to anything on Earth.

AAHA AHA AHAH AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

cS: WELcome to thje Spacecraft, Nern!!

NF: Thank you very much. I am always pleased to use my position with the company to strengthen offworlder's understanding of Batguanowire. Public Relations is money in my pocket, I always say.

cS: WHAT is Yor POSItion with the companty, BY Yhe way?

NF: Let's just say that if my belly button were not made of a clear plastic material, my vision would be significantly impaired. And that goes for my attorney too, so watch yourself.

cS: RITe!!!!!!!! SPEAking of FLamfoozY Batguanowire, hoW DID youSE DECide on TAHt NAME????

NF: Well, we did a lot of research. Research is key in our business. We feel it is imperative to our success. We don't make a move without thorough research.

We were originally going to call it "Flamfoozy Bignesswire", but we soon discovered that "Bignesswire" was already claimed by some giant vampire rats on Rigel 4. I know it sounds bizarre, but we try to promote interplanetary relations by being respectful of other life form's weird ideas about trademarks and copyrights, even if they are twisted and psychotic concepts of the truth. We thought perhaps Bignessperson's Wire might work, but somebody over at Rigel Bigness Wire on Rigel 4 said that diluted their trademark too, since at some point in the future they might be interested in doing business on another planet.

It's not easy trying to stay ahead of freaks on sixteen different planets, but we try. We checked with Rigel Bigness Wire and asked them how they felt about a few other ideas we had, such as Filled Affairs, Widness Bire, Quagmire Wire, Izznessbay Ireway, Bee Dubya, Rhubarb Wire, Barbed Wire, High Wire, Transference of Non-Personal Information by Electronic Means, Legardy Affardy, Buried Cable, Hurt Me I Deserve It Mistress Wire, Communication Devices Having to Do With Professional Relationships, Look at Me I'm a Total Idiot Wire, Geeschtaff Lightoong, Dire Wire, Gort Klaatu Barada Nickto, Fraud Does Not Dilute My Trademark But Parody Does, Big Fat Stupid Junior High School Stinky News Wire, Screw You If You Mock Me Wire, Death to All Artists Wire, Who Cares If I Break the Law I Have The Money Wire, and Backfire Wire.

cS: AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 BackFIRE Wire, I LIKethaT One!!

NF: Yes, we did too. Unfortunately I was called by the Rigel Bigness Wire Senior Minister of Galactic Judgments and Countess of All Huge Vampire Rats and All Other Living Creatures in the Known Universe, Ms. Labium Vitriol. She said that none of our proposed names were acceptable to their Corporate Huge Vampire Rats and All Other Living Creatures in the Known Universe Counsel, L. Norman Nimrod-Fleece, Esq. Bin. and that we needed to rethink our business strategy.

cS: WoW!!!!!!!! I haD NO IDEa theY had that much AUTHOritY!!!!!

NF: Frankly, we were a bit shocked as well, as you might imagine. Ms. Vitriol suggested very strongly that we just forget about even going into business.

cS: THE BUSInes of PREss RELEAses?

NF: No, you fool, the business of being paid to pass along rumors, innuendo, fabrications, and lies about publicly traded companies on Flamfoozy. Fast communication about these things is an important aspect of the stock market on Flamfoozy. I have no idea how it is on Earth, I can only say that our goal was to totally eliminate all truth from our press releases. That's not an easy goal, you foxy giant reptile, you.

cS: HAHA AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 That wold NEVer work on Earth, all the Press Releae companies are legitimate and totally honest and ethical! But You presSED ON!

NF: Yes, well, I'm not talking about this Earth planet you are in orbit around. We did a bit more "research", and "discovered" that Ms. Vitriol was actually hallucinating. Typical giant rat. Our source "believes" she came in contact with a moldy croissant, and has not recovered. We are planning a Press Release to that effect, as a matter of fact, as soon as we can verify that the information is, in fact, totally spurious.

Additionally, we now "suspect" that she is not, in fact, the Senior Minister of Galactic Judgments and Countess of All Huge Vampire Rats and All Other Living Creatures in the Known Universe, except inside her own little rum spongecake head. But, we felt a duty to be fair, so we decided on Batguano Wire, which as you can see, is nothing like the Rigel Bigness Wire deal on Rigel 4, except part of it starts with a "B" if you translate it into English. Different planet, different solar system, different language, different everything.

cS: Yes, I See thaT!!! SO What DO you Do over theRE at Flamfoozy Batguanowire??

NF: Well, as I said, we move rumors and lies. Nothing like an Official Press Release to add some credibility to an otherwise unknown scam.

cS: AHA AHAHAHAH!!!!!! But I Wood THInk that wOUKLD set You up ofr some LIABILity. What if SHAreholDERS IN a PBUlicly TraDED comPnay loST MONey do TO BELIEving a PHOny Press Release HTAt you PUblisheD???

NF: That can't happen. We make our clients sign a legal agreement right up front that holds us totally harmless for the content of the press release. We say up front that we cannot police these people that pay us to pass along their "information". To do that would require some research, and research requires staff, and staff requires spending money, and spending money is not the name of the game here. The name of the game is collecting money to pass along anything you tell us and we don't care if you are, uh, factually challenged.

All we do is say we are not responsible. It's simple. You pay us, we print whatever you tell us. We'll print anything. We are similar to the little papers you see in the checkout line at the supermarket, except that we can't be sued, and the investors that read the lies we publish could lose their money.

cS: THAt sounDS LIKe a REALLY interesiTNG BISsdness Plan!!!!!

NF: Not only that, but even though we release ourselves from all liability for the content of all press releases, in writing, prior to the press release being passed along, we have recently taken the position that in the event someone submits a joke press release for a company that doesn't exist, and for which we have released ourselves from all liability in writing, we still have the right to sue them for trademark violations, or anything else we think we want to sue them for, especially if they claim that what they submitted to us was copyrighted by them, we released ourselves from all liability in writing before they submitted it to us, and we added our own trademark to their material before we put their copyrighted material out.

CS: WHOa, COMe again?????

NF: Let's say you submit a press release to us for publication. We add our trademark to your material before we put it out and you sign an agreement that we are not responsible for the content. But if your company is not a real company, and you mock us, then we sue you for trademark violations and fraud.

CS: SAY WHAt?????????????????????????

NF: Look, cOUSIN SHORTY, this is entertainment. Think of us as the WWF of the investment world. This is big money. Big money. We have quatloos up the ying yang, and we will kick your ass. Especially if you like to make jokes about how stupid we are and you are an artist and not a criminal.

cS: BUT WHATif you Screw UP and pubLISH somEHTing that's TrUE?

NF: You miss the point. That's not our line. We leave that to the other services on other planets, like all the ones on that Earth planet down there that have some vague moral standards. [laughs loudly]

It's a well known fact that criminals believe sincerely that everyone else in the whole universe is a criminal, so if anybody we do business with questions what we do, it's a dead giveaway that they have moral standards. That's a big red flag, but we won't turn business away. It is a sad fact that we occasionally publish something that is true and completely accurate. We assume no responsibility for this. Nobody is perfect. Also, we believe that to attack and destroy anyone who even remotely offends us, especially a new client, really is good business. Not necessarily legal, mind you, but we have lots and lots of quatloos. We have a machine. The machine must keep running. To hell with the law.

cS: I Sea!! Sew Nern, WHAt aboaut SPoofS And JOKes, likE FLAmfoozy FlaRNBLAtt Very Silly Day?

NF: You are missing the point, SHORTY. Scam artists are convinced that everyone else in the universe is a criminal too. That's what makes it so easy to do what we do. We have our fingers on the pulse of the scam stock world on Flamfoozy. We understand the underlying motivation of what these artists call a simple prank. It's not a simple prank at all, it's not an artistic and humorous attempt to point out the risks of investing in potential scams, like the Australian government or the United States government did on Earth. The way we see it, the only reason there was no prosecution on that planet down there was because the governments did it. But we have nothing to do with Earth. We know all artists are criminals. We do not find art funny. We never have.

cS: AHA AHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 It SOUNds FUnnY to ME,Nern!! You souned a little CRAZY!!! Lissen NErN, mY assOCIAte oveR TERE in the AIRLOck has A checK for 227,500. quatloos for a Series Of Press Releases on A sTOCK THAT Used to BE A couPL OD duDES IWHt a CHEESe Imprt Export Company on THE FSE [editor's note: Flamfoozy Stock Exchange], but switCHD Over to Precisos Gems with a Differnet Stock and then DEFTLy moVED TO THE OTFC BB [editor's note: Over the Flamfoozy Counter BB] and STarTEd an InternET TELEPhony [editor's note: and we stress phony] Company. They Need some GOOD PR afTER WHAT HAppenED With the RoyAL FLAmffozy MOUNTED POLICE.

AHA AHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NF: Really? Yes, yes, I see the check. That's quite nice of you, cOUSIN SHORTY, you can expect a small, uh, finder's fee in the mail next week. This is good. I can see you understand the subtle points of business arrangements. I'm pleased, I don't mind telling you that. I'm sure we can move forward in a strong and mutual effort to sully the investment waters and suck the public dry while accepting no responsibility for what we pass along and attacking anyone who says anything about anything that might remotely resemble something having to do with anything that might be considered by our attorneys to be not in our best interest. Quatloos talk, and ethics walk, that's what I say.

And in case you are wondering why we would possibly get so bent out of shape over a simple joke, ask yourself what you could do in the Flamfoozy stock market if you had big news about 15 minutes ahead of everyone else. Can you say Scott Joplin? I knew you could.

[Nern rushes into the airlock, grabs the check, and cuddles it to her bosom, which is quite large, as she is a giant flying reptile.]

cS: NO PROBlem!!! Just Turn that Handle Once you are in there, and you MONEy Problems will BE over!!!!!!!!

NF: Thanks again, cOUSIN SHORTY! Nice to do business with you!

[whooshing sound as air and Nern depart the airlock and drift into Deep Space]

AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Jus DOOing my Part to protect Yor planet from these WACKOS! NO need to thank me, and UNTOl nex time, this i, cOUSIN SHORTY, saying,

Don Bad moud ALL Attorneys Because sometday yo might neeD A GOOd one, and sEEE YO A THE Top!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And pick up 50 cOUSIN SHORTY Shirts while you are at it!!!!

you FRIed,

cOUSIN SHORTY

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