 |
 |
|
VOLUME 3 ISSUE 457 cOUSIN SHORTYS FREE FREE CHICKEN SHEEt
UNDERVALUED MAIL TIP SHEET RUMOR NEWSLETTER!!!! © cOUSIN
SHORTy HELllo HELow aGAin to ALL my FIEnds 1 and cOUSIN SHORTY hear wht the next Installation of the CHICKENshEET For alL my FANs!!!!! IM Hear with TraviS the Photo DooD at Walgreens and we are Listening to some DICk Dale the KING of the SURF GUITAr TURNED UP LOUd and thatS the TrutH! LET me turn that DOWN becAUSE Itit is time for the Inererview! Tidy WE half a VERy SPAICal Gest, so SITting up strate and Pay attenition AD GRAB your DICKTionary becauwe YO are GOINg to KNEAD IT!!! AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 THAs rite YOU Gassed it its the PriNCE Of PARLANCE, THE SULtan of SeMANtics, the DOOk of Diction, the EARLOF ERUDition, the Pharaoh of Phonics, the OVERLORd of OBFUscation, Yes YES! Is the CHAIRreptile of the FLAMFOOzy PLANETAry RESERve Boinking COMitieee, Alfed Brobdingnagian AKABig AlFed!!!! cS: WELCOme To the spacecrAft Big AlFed! ABAKABA: Thank you, cOUSIN SHORTY. I am very pleased, not to mention my underlying feelings of alacrity, to be here on this grand and momentous occasion, and I want you to know that all of us on the Planetary Reserve Boinking Committee greatly appreciate the fine educational work you are doing with your cOUSIN SHORTY Free Free Chicken Sheet Undervalued E-Mail Tip Sheet Rumor Newsletter. You are a credit to all Flamfoozy, and I mean that in the most sincere way. Your veracity is exceeded only by your jocosity, so to speak. cS: Wow! TANks so Much! I Dint no that my HObble Writings wear appropRIAted back on the HOMe Plant! That is Wonderful News! Sew, BIG Al, Tell our Riders how Things got STARTed with You. You Came from humbel Bigninnigs am I rite? ABAKABA: Yes, the majority of your readers would not be privy to my personal history. It was a frigid, atramentous and tempestuous crepuscule when I made my unceremonious entry on Flamfoozy. The vociferation exterior to the hospital, the wispy flakes of frozen moisture akimbo, why, the whole world seemed to display a dissonance of capacious proportions as my mother screamed out. cS: YIPes BIG AlFed, Tha T DON sound good! ABAKABA: Oh, she was fine, she was just screaming because I started talking like this right away and she couldn't stand it. The astounding perturbation of my personal verbiage has been a constant source of mental machinations for the majority of the acquaintances I have been associated with in my lifetime. cS: I CAN UDNerstnad that. Why is that BYTHE WAY/ Wy do Yo Use all the Big Language, Big ALFed? ABAKABA: Purely for personal amusement, SHORTY. You see, I was not the biggest or strongest reptile in my class in Planetary Reserve Boinking School, or any other school I attended. However, I sincerely believe that I was the smartest, and I still am. The only way I had to stimulate an adversary's posterior, and I use the phrase symbolically and not in the literal sense, was to propose verbal originations that necessitated everyone else occupying ten larndeens of their precious time to comprehend fully. The hardest part, of course, is to keep a straight face after I verbally assault someone and they fail to comprehend that I have just roasted their gluteals. [laughs] cS: YeaH THAts troo, You are the best I half eVer SEEN. ABAKABA: Damn right, Jack. I can talk some majorly significant refuse. Larry Bird called me on one memorable occasion to commend me personally for my skill. Larry is a good mammal. cS: YO I like Him too. Can yO give us an Example form your School DAZe? ABAKABA: Of course! Let's say a big reptile was attempting to oppress me in some fashion. I could say, "Screw you, and your momma too!" but in doing so, I would risk both potential and significant physical damage. Instead, I would say, "My disapprobation is principally due not only to your distinctly personal and acute ability to exude various noxious gasses from your primary cranial orifice, but also because of the unequivocal suggestion from your recent remarks that your lineage includes a rare and extremely mutated species of feminine bufo. [grins] cS: AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!1 EXCleelnt!!! REAlly GOOd AlFed!!!! ABAKABA: Oh, it's my pleasure, believe me. cS: AND THEn you wnet on To bEcme one of the Most pOerful Reptiles on the Plant! ABAKABA: It's language skills, cOUSIN SHORTY. I have an extremely large vocabulary. Gargantuan, actually. [smiles] I found out a long time ago that most reptiles, and I suppose mammals too, have a hard time aiming their weapons when they are dizzy. cS: Rite! I Suppose that YOUR Skills with lANGUAge have haD LOTs of Benefits. ANY OHTer Ancetdotes you want to SHARe? ABAKABA: My oral gynastics have held me in good stead in all aspects of my life, cOUSIN SHORTY. A recent example is a traffic ticket I avoided. cS: How SO? ABAKABA: My driver made the mistake of parking in a "No Parking" zone in Washington. A local gendarme felt it was his duty to not only notice the offense, but attempt to write a citation. Fortunately, I was able to speak personally to the officer. I simply told him that my driver was following my instructions to place our vehicle in a position that would accommodate a speedy egress to my appointment, said appointment being germane to the economic feasibility of expounding upon the necessity of nurturing a certain compliance among those of his superiors with whom I had had previous discourse, with the overall intention of possibly providing him, the officer in question, with a more substantive means of support to argue his personal case for implementation of improved remuneration and working benefits, not only for him, but for those loved ones for whom he cared deeply. It worked great. He looked around like the Imperial guard on Tatooine that Obi-Wan was hypnotizing in the first Star Wars movie and went about his business. cS: AHA AHA AHAH AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So YO Are lIKE a JEDI Knigt, BIG AlFed???? ABAKABA: In a metaphorical sense, yes. Don't let the diminutive size, the glasses and receding hairline fool you, cOUSIN SHORTY. Yoda was short, too. I understand The Force, just like Yoda. I don't need a light saber, I have my tongue. The tongue is mightier than the light saber. It fully operates for me. [laughs] cS: AHA AHAHAHA HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yo sosund like A PrETTy COOL dood, Big AlFed! ABAKABA: I have my brief particles of time, cOUSIN SHORTY. cS: WHAt Makes BIgAlFed diffREnt? ABAKABA: I notice subtleties. I like sublime interruptions in my daily routine. Other reptiles do too, but it seem to me that the majority of the mammals on Earth are not really paying attention. They take time to watch Dan Rather, I would much rather listen to Wojiech Kilar's "Agnus Dei". They somnambulantly meander through the local supermarket, whereas I remain crisp. I see the little magazine for sale at the checkout line and I know somebody planned that photo and that headline. It gives me a certain inner joy. cS: I Hear thAT Big AlFed! One moe QUESTin what DO yuou do For REAl LAUGHs??????? ABAKABA: I'm seriously considering loading my briefcase with a bunch of back issues of Mad Magazine the next time I go on television, just to screw with Mark Haines and that annoying "Briefcase Barometer" gimmick he's so fond of. What do you think about that? cS: I tHIng that is A GRATE Idea!!!! And so simPLY STATED, How to yo see the FUTURE? Wht do thinGS LOOK lik e to YO? How is THE ecoNOmy? ABAKABA: Bitchin', dude. cS: BITCHIn? ABAKABA: Yeah, bitchin'. My problem is that when I speak to the boneheads on Capitol Mound that have nothing better to do with their useless lives than waste taxpayer's money and screw up the economy because they don't have a friggin' clue what the right thing to do is, like maybe pay the damn debt off, I can't just say, "Things are bitchin'." That's too easy. I have to mess with their heads a little. I mean, I have to have something to laugh about during golf, just like everyone else, right? Life is short, cOUSIN, you have to live to the fullest, have fun, enjoy. Or as I like to say it, "Relish delection, for beatitude comes from within." [smiles] cS: Wordds to LIVE by, Big AlFed!! ABAKABA: Damn straight! Now, crank up that Dick Dale CD and pass the nachos! What do you have around here to drink? Do you have any organic mango nectar? cS: AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 WhateVER Yo Want, Big AlFed! YouR DRIving The Bus!!! WeLL My FiENDs, thas it FOR now, and I hope you ENjOY the resT of the cENTRUY As much as We wiLL, and this is Yor FRIed cOUSIN SHORTY Saying, Remeber to always Teal the troth, and SEE Yo at th e TOP!!!!!!!!1 cOUSIN SHORTY |
|
|
|||||
Contents copyright © 1999 by cOUSIN SHORTY.com, and may not be reproduced without permission. |
|||||
|
|||||