VOLUME THX1138 ISSUE 1984 cOUSIN SHORTYS FREE FREE CHICKEN SHEEt UNDERVALUED MAIL TIP SHEET RUMOR NEWSLETTER!!!! © cOUSIN SHORTy
 
AHAHA AHAHA AHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
 
HEllO HEllO agIAN TO All My Friedds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
IT Isi vary SpaCIAl to sEE yo HEAaar again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
 
SID an d IARe halfINg Ssome TUna SAndwiCHes. Rally Good!!
 
Tiddy we half the Chaaairman and CHIEf OperATing Offender of MODeror DomINUs DruG MFg Inc. hear With us on Ssthe Spacecraft.
 
His name is Dr. Futilis Puhts.
 
cS: Welcome Futilis!! Can I cALL yo Futilis?
 
FP: No. You may address me as Dr. Puhts. I see you don't spell very well. Here, take one of these pink pills. The Poison Chemical Administration has approved them. Totally legal. Try one!
 
cS: NO Tanks, Doc! AHA AHA HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 sO, what IS IT lickkkkbEing the hHEad of the Largest DRuig Company inThe worlD>>>>>>>>>>
 
FP: I'd like to take this opportunity to assure our shareholders that the recent decline in our stock price was an anomaly and we look forward to a reversal and increase in revenue and earnings growth within the next two quarters. Here, have a small orange pill, a green pill, and a brown tablet with black stripes. You'll feel better. Don't worry; we have approval on all of them probably.
 
cS: NO Tanks, Doc. SO REvenues are Down? WHat;s UP With that?
 
FP: As I indicated, it is a temporary situation. We have a balanced plan of attack for the future. Here, have some Heavy Metal Cough Syrup. It tastes like real fruit almost!
 
cS: NO Tanks, Doc! WHAtss the PLAn oF ATTACk???
 
FP: We're working right now to perfect a new drug for NDS.
 
cS: NDS? WHATsaaaT??
 
FP: Newborn Deficit Syndrome. It's the disease that newborn babies have that causes them to twitch and cry. We just made it up last month. We haven't finished the research yet, so we aren't sure exactly what the specific symptoms are, but we'll publish them in The Big Book of Unpleasant Thought Symptoms when we find out; if we find out. It makes no difference; it's already in The Big Book, so it's totally legitimate and real. (pulls out giant book and opens it) Page 278, column 26, see it there? Anyway, we have a new drug outlined to handle it. We call it Toxil. You like that? Has a nice ring to it, eh? [chuckles].
 
cS: DooD THJAT soundS ExTra CREEPy.
 
FP: Are you kidding? You're kidding me, right? That's not good, SHORTY! That's the primary symptom of ICD, Incorrect Laughing Disease. Page 748, column 48. Here, have a black and white tablet with a skull on it.
 
cS: NO Tanks, Doc! WhY DId The EARnings DIp, anyway?
 
FP: Trips to Hawaii and television ads. Temporary, as I said. We had a contest for all the doctors to see who could prescribe the most psychotropic drugs. We made a big mistake because we didn't realize that ten thousand doctors would win when people saw the television ads and went in for their drugs. We had to send all the doctors to Hawaii, and on top of that, we had to pay for the television ads. It cut our margins by almost one one-thousandth of one percent.
 
cS: RighT. That I UNderSTand. What about Yur SAlesmEN???
 
FP: We give them free drugs. Cheap. They are always smiling.
 
cS: So WHAt if A DoctoR doeSN't go Along with Yor ProGRAM?
 
FP: That's easy. The physician has Remuneration Denial Disorder. You'll find RDD on Page 914, column 152. See there? That little blue and red capsule will make that go away probably we think maybe.
 
[Sid the Cat growls]
 
cS: DOoD YOU are ScARing Sid THe CAt. DOC!! C.MON Doc!!! WhatS THe POINT HEar? WhY aRE you DoinG All This????
 
FP: OK, OK, I'll tell you. If you had any sense, you would have already figured it out, but you are from another planet, so I'll fill you in. About 40 years ago, we found out that people like to take drugs to make themselves think differently. This opened up a whole new area of drug research. We call it Thought Management Protocol. All we do is research what kind of thoughts they don't like, and then we make a drug that makes the bad thought go away we think perhaps.
 
cS: THINk DifferenT? What about Things LIKe antibiotics?
 
FP: No, no, you don't understand. That's different. I'm talking about thoughts, not physical abnormalities. If we stuck to drugs that cure actual physical diseases, our profits would plunge. Think of the shareholders! Think of my stock options. Are you crazy? If you are, we have something that can change your mind! (holds up The Big Book of Unpleasant Thought Symptoms Revised Thirty First Edition and laughs loudly)
 
cS: I"m CORNFUsed.
 
FP: Not to worry, that's normal for anyone that is not taking mind-altering drugs. You see, the first thing we had to do was convince everyone that these mental symptoms we want to prescribe drugs for are in fact actual diseases. That was easy, it only took about ten years. The next phase was to work our way into the school systems and the legal systems. That was easy too. The secret was to get everyone to believe the doctors. The doctors can't diagnose these things without The Big Book of Unpleasant Thought Symptoms Revised Thirty First Edition, and we wrote the book! Actually we write it newly every year or two. (grins sardonically)
 
cS: THE TRuth IS You donE HAVA DAm ClUe, Do YOu???
 
FP: No, but we have all the money. And that's what counts on this planet. In twenty years, we'll have everybody on the planet on drugs from the moment they are born until the day they die. Welcome to Earth!
 
cS: YO u Know, Doc, I'd BBQ You righT hERE but I'm SUIRE YOure as Toxic as the Wasste water at youR FACtory. Take a WALk, wiLL YOu?
 
FP: Ingrate! Never fear, we'll get you.
 
cS: I"mstarRTing to Half Some Bad ThougTS hear, Doc.
 
FP: Describe them to me, please.
 
cS: I"m thinKINg Yo are A BAD, Bad Man. AndMAybe you ShoulD Wait in The Airlock whILe I caLm down.
 
FP: Fine, no problem. Page 453245, Column 4233, MDAD, Mad Doctor Aversion Disorder. Take one of these while capsules.
 
cS: IS SAys here <<May cause anxiety and blot clots>>
 
FP: Easy. Page 93334, Column 2464, take one of these yellow and black tablets.
 
cS: ThIS One says <<May cause depression and heart failure>>
 
FP: Hold on, hold on, modern medicine is here with you. Page 873255457444 Column 454345565, two teaspoons of this brown substance, one red pill, two of these little pink beauties, four of these, two of these, one of these, five of these, one of these suppositories, and sixteen of these big red, white and blue ones. And some cottage cheese.
 
cS: cOTTAGE CHeese?
 
FP: Yeah, if you take all that dope on an empty stomach, you'll puke your guts out, you idiot! Doctor knows best! (laughs uncontrollably as the airlock door closes)
 
cS: WoW THJAT was SCARy!! REmINd Me Knot to TAlk to aAny of ThosE CREEpys aGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
AHA AHH AHAH A HA H AHHA HA HAH AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
 
UntiL NExt timE THis is yoFRied, cOUSIN SHORTY, sayinG
 
SEE Yo At the TOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
 

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