[Editor's note: Recently, a bond trader at a very large firm in a country that begins with the letter "f" caused the bond market to go down a teeny bit by accidentally putting his elbow on his keypad and automatically selling a very large quantity of bonds. cOUSIN SHORTY found this extremely amusing, and after an exhaustive search, managed to locate the former bond trader at a fast food restaurant in Des Moines, Iowa.]

VOLUME 358 ISSUE 47 cOUSIN SHORTYS FREE FREE CHICKEN SHEEt UNDERVALUED EMAIL TIP SHEET RUMOR NEWSLETTER!!!!! (c)cOUSIN SHORTY

heLO HELLO Aghain all me freinds and HEW ARE Yew today!!! AHA AHAHAHAH!!!!

This EMISSION ON THR NEWSLetter is....

a veRY SPACIAl InNerveiw with Mr. Jacques Sheete, former bond trader with Salmon Salad and BARNEY SMITH, (now pursuing an alternative CAReer oppty with WEDNys odd fashioned hamboGERS as a Frried COOK!!).

I was meeTING WOTJ Jacques over THE Interment, he has a LOT of puters, one is his PUTer with a PENTup 400 and 50 gigamegs hardon drive and CABLE meduims with PUG AND PLAY!!!!! I thinK Jacques is what we wood call an INTERnet JUNkie. I wnated to finger out what makes THESE DOODS Tick, and JAQues aggred to BE interVIEWS!!!!! He hs his pUTER set UP next to the FRENCH FRY vats at WEDNys, so He CAN SURf the WEB and cook fries simultoudinously. COOL!!!!!!!!!!

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cOUSIN SHORTY: HIYa Jack and thanks you for Stoppiny by the SPAcecraft not REAlly but that's WHAT I say to EVerybiddy.

Jacques Sheete: TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTThanks

cS: Sew! TELL ME AND The riders of my NEWSLtter abut trading BONDS!!!!!! Is it FUN? HOW Do you do IT??

JS: Yes! Well, as a matter of fact, it was a very difficult job. But quite rewarding, in its way. What would you like to know ?

cS: Well, whaT is a TYPIcal day for a BOND TRAder?

JS: Ah! Well, I usually rose about 4 a.m. I'd have some Kona coffee prepared with two tablespoons of heavy cream and one teaspoon of raw sugar, and depending upon my mood, I would have either a sun-dried tomato bagel with walnut cream cheese, or a cheese croissantttttttttttttttttt with orange marmalade, you know, whatever struck my taste buds at the time. I checked the financial report and I checked with Marky Marky to get current news and so forth.

cS: WhosE Marky MARky?

JS: He was my bookmark program. I have a program to do these different things. My bookmark program at work was called Marky Marky.

cS: WHAt bookmarKS Egasctly?

JS: I am not at liberty to discuss my trading regimen, but I can tell you that it is a full time job. I mean it was a full time job.

cS: OKEy DOKEY! SO Then what?

JS: Then I pull up Crystal.

cS: ANOTher proGRAM?

JS: Yes. Crystal is my number two girl. Always has been, always will be. We are not getting along well at the moment, but she'll be back, I can assure you. She can't live without me.

cS: WHOSe number One??

JS: Monica

cS: Is that your real girlfriend?

JS: No. Monica's my laptop. She's got a huge modem, she's always ready to rock and roll.

cS: Right. OK. UH….OK so back to THE BONd TRADing. What neXT?

JS: Well, I would simply go to work, go to my desk. On Monday, of course, I would wear the electric blue Jerry Garcia tie, on Tuesday, the pink Rush tie, on Wednesday.

cS: RIGHT!! OK OK SKIP THE freakY good LUCk habit cCARP and just Tell me bout THE TRADING OK??

JS: Yes. Well, I just turned on Mel, Bob, Not Bob, Action Jackson, and Keith, and start making money.

cS: RIgt. I aSSumethats your box and Monitorand all that. So Like HOW did you do it?

JS: Well, as I said, I don't discuss specifics. But say I called Lenny and Larry and Phil and Jim and if Jim had a couple of bonds he needed to make disappear, and Lenny had a couple more, and Phil wanted to buy a few, I'd tell Lenny about Jim and Phil and Jim about Phil and Lenny, like that, and I would give Mel a massage, and Not Bob would make a few head fakes, and Action Jackson would see if anyone wanted to hedge the trade, and I'd hit Keith and scrape a little icing off the top of the cake.

The whole thing depended on how I was getting along with Margaret and Keith. If Margaret was working hard and Keith was right up there swinging, we would get really lucky. There was always the chance that Beetlejuice would show up, so there was a risk. But usually, Mel and I could make things go the way we wanted them to. One finger of icing here, one finger there, and you're ready for some Artichoke Heart and Anchovy Pizza for lunch! [smiles].

cS: OK. Lets GO SOMEhwre else DOOD. What about thIS DEAL WHER Ewe srewd up and sold THE BONDS?

JS: Keith's fault. I had nothing to do with itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

cS: KEITh Who?

JS: My keypad. At work. Keith Keypad. He screwed up. See, at one point, Mel [editor's note: monitor] was blinking. So I called The Geek [editor's note: Richard, tech support, 3rd floor] and he came up and fixed Mel. But while he was working on Mel, I dropped some mango chutney on Keith. No big deal. Anyway, about a week later, I can't get Keith to execute, so I dipped him in some Schweppes Club Soda. I thought he was fine. No worries, matey. [smiles] But then, two weeks after that, Keith started getting snippy, so I had to depress him a little more aggressively.

cS: Hey so KeYpads cost ten BUCKS< dood. Why not just get antoher oNE?

JS: Oh no. No, no. You don't understand. These are family members. No, I don't murder a family member just because he's not happy about a mango chutney stain. Lather, rinse, repeat. Monica gets stains all the time. As a matter of fact, she has a french-fry cooking oil stain right now, hold on a secondddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd dddddddddddddddddd.

There, that's better. [lights a Balto]

cS: so JACques, do you have any ACTual real Friends I mean REAL PREOPle that you KNOW?

JS: No. I don't have time for that. I'm busy.

cS: So, YOU Just get ON your COMPuters all day and alll Night and Never DEAL with anyone IN THE Real world?

JS: How do you define the word "real"?

cS: DOOD, you SOUND like Maybe you neED somE profuessional heLP.

JS: Possible. You know any good chat lines?

cS: Yeah sure. SO HOW much money Did you LOSe on the BOND trades?

JS: 166 million dollars. Wasn't me, it was Keith. We could have made it back on a couple of trades. It was not fair. Mr. Barney came over to my desk and started yelling really loud. His face was real red. I told Mr. Barney that Keith would never NEVER NEVER NEVER do it again. Mr. Barney didn't care. He had this Louisville Slugger and he hit Mel and Bob and Not Bob. There was smoke. I started to cry. Mr. Barney made these two guys take me out on the street. Scuffed my Guccis. Not at all a Fun Day. But I'm a survivor, I'll be back.

I've got Monica. You just waitttttttttttttttttttttttttttt ttttttttttttttttttttt ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. You want fries with thattttttttttttttttttttttttt?

cS: OK, No thanks JAQUEs. GoodBYE and, GOODlick to YOU!!!!!!!!

AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

XSEee y;ou next Time,

cOUSIN SHORTY

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