VOLUME 37 ISSUE 54 cOUSIN SHORTYS FREE FREE CHICKEN SHEEt UNDERVALUED EMAIL TIP SHEET RUMOR NEWSLETTER!!!! (c)cOUSIN SHORTY

[Editor's Note: Recently, CNBC did a feature story on a 15 year old young man who had decided he was a "Stock Guru" and "Whiz Kid" and started dispensing stock advice on the Internet. After weeks of searching, cOUSIN SHORTY found Whizzy's mentor, a small alien brain!]

Hello Hello aGAn to aaLL MY FREinds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAHA AHA AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

cOUSIN SHORTY Hear I"M RElaxing With My GooD FReINd JOHAnn GOLDfinGER ANd we are HalfinG som MOSt exCEllenT CUMBErlAND Ham wiTH ouR GINGer ALe!

TIHs week we Half a SPAcial INTerviEW With a VERy spacial JEST:;

LITTle JIMMy the FETus STOck PiTching Guru!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy is FROM Anither Plant I think THAt one like The one in Star TrEKs with That babe yo no The one wher tthe three brains were betting quatloos on Captain Kirks. I gOT LTLLE Jimmy hear sitting in his NutrieNT Bath and his DORecoR OF OsTEntatiOns is Standing by his Name is EARl.

[Earl waves and smiles]

JIMmy done talK, he is TELepatheTic. Less get startED!!!!!!!!

cS: JImmY Where did yoou Get that Big Glass jar you Are SwimminG In?

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Earl picked that up at the Kwikee-Mart for me. Nice one, isn't it? It had a whole bunch of pickled sausages in it. Earl ate those, filled up the jar with ginger ale, and here I am. I like the bubbles.~~~~~

cS: RitE!! I Like Ginger Ale to!!!! Now How long half you beaN A Stock Grew?

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Almost 1/20th of a decade. Since I was a zygote.~~~~~

cS: aND YO Say yoU are A TraDer for a pENNY stoCK

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Yes, that is correct. I am the person that actually dictates the trading activity for the firm. I simply give the orders telepathically to Earl, here, and he enters the trades.~~~~~

cS: And onTOp of That you alSO Run a Chat line ON THE Internet Wher e you Make piCKS in the marKIT! Less talk Abaout that frost. Can you Tell The riders of The CHICKENSHeET hoW Yo Pick youR STOcks to bY For yoR SUBScirbers?

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Well, I can tell you a little. I don't reveal all my secrets, as you can imagine. I am a guru, and gurus have Special Knowledge. Briefly, I contact the management of the company telepathically, and ask pertinent questions about the stock. Once I have completed my Massive Due Diligence, which takes about 5 minutes, I purchase the stock in my own account, and then 15 minutes later, after I buy it, I release the pick on my chat line. You see the beauty of this? I'm a genius! The stock goes up, and I command Earl to sell it.~~~~~

cS: AHAHA AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! ! I Like iT ! Scalping the STOck. I Thiokgt that WAS IllEGAl.

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~I don't know what you call it. I thought of it myself about two months ago when I started my business. It works really well. I don't know about illegal, all I know is I got an interview on television and everything. Offers pouring in for Little Jimmy. I AM A STAR, YOU HEAR ME? A STAR! EARL! MORE GINGER ALE! PUT ON THAT TAPE OF ME ON TV! EARL! ~~~~~

[Earl shuffles over slowly and pours a fresh bottle of room-temperature Schweppes into the pickled sausage jar.]

cS: Now abOUT The trADing How do Yo do THAt?

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~I have friends. I call them, I ask who is interested in the stock. Maybe I have a friend that wants to buy it at another firm. I sell it to him. Then he sells it to his friend, then his friend sells it to me. I sell it, one print. He sells it, one print. The other guy sells it back to me, one print! Presto! Volume spike! Simple. Then, when the pick goes out on the chat line, I already know that the volume will spike higher. My friends and I hold the spread and take 20 or 30% off every trade. My loyal fans somehow miss the fact that they are buying from me and they are down 30% the moment the buy the stock. It's a beautiful thing to watch.~~~~~

cS: YO whOa LITle Jimmy, thaTS NOT LEGAL BuddY Yo Cant do THAt.

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I would never do that. I just made that up. I could get fined. Oooooh. I could get a fine from the Nazz if I get caught. Oooooh, I am so scared. Forget I even mentioned it. EARL! HALF A TAB OF ALKI-SELTZER TOOT SWEET!~~~~~

[Earl again shuffles over and deposits half an Alki-Seltzer in the pickled sausage jar.]

cS: AHA AHA AHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!! Ok SO JimmY, sPEAking of The Buyers, tell us abouT THEm.

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~You mean the Army of Somnambulant Zombies? I call them ASZs for short. I love them. They are My People. They trust me. They love me. Wonderful people. None better. Smart as Whips. Brilliant. Words cannot describe my feelings. They wait for my stock picks just like a big frosty glass of Special Grape Kool-Aide or a Pocketful -O'-Quarters. I don't know what that means exactly but I heard a teacher say it in the hallway last week.

I don't telepathically communicate business with my fans, mainly because I have a limited vocabulary since I don't study much at school. Instead of studying like the other ordinary brains, I prepare the chat board for the next Big Little Jimmy Can't Lose Crap Penny Stock Play. I tell them I am preparing Massive and Extensive Due Diligence. They need to know nothing. I am the Master. I Know All. I say buy, they buy. I say sell, they sell. So simple, even a child can do it! I was on TV, did I mention that?~~~~~

cS: RITE !!!!!! HA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Let me ax you A COUpel Qustins about Due diligkence. How do Yo do that? Do you loOK at the Balacne SheeT?

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~~Don't need to.~~~~~

cS: How abouTTHe ROI or the EARnings or the MArgINS or Debt STRucurE, anYTHHINg like THAt?

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Nope. No need. These are penny stocks, you giant reptile freak from another planet. These don't have those things. That's what makes it fun. It's like a roller coaster at night. I don't know what any of that balance sheet stuff means, anyway. All I do is talk to the people at the company. They know the truth. I ask them questions about the stock. Whatever they say, that's what I believe. Because these are My People too! Salt of the Earth. Now, it is true that some of them have had some trouble with the law in the past. But I am a forgiving fetus. Nobody would lie to a fetus, not even grownup hardened criminals that are stealing massive amounts of money from the stock market investing public using sophisticated schemes that I have no clue about. It's a beautiful world, and every day is a bright sunshiny day. Except the people that come on the chat line and call me names. They are evil. Ungrateful bastards. Jealous of my success. Fools. I would spit on them, if I could spit. Want to see a tape of me on TV?

CS: AAHA AHA HAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO tanks Jimmy. Whats NEXT?

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~I am actually preparing to do Massive and Extensive Due Diligence on my current Potential Secret Next Fetus Pick Which I Will Then Announce 15 Minutes After I Own It right now. Would you care to watch The Master at Work, slug from another planet?~~~~~

cS: SURe Go aHEAd on Little JImmY shoW ME whaT YO Got!

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Very well. By the way, by the time your newsletter readers read this, I will already own the stock, so you can't trick Little Jimmy. The stock I am talking about is SNOT. Trades on the bulletin board, bid one cent, offer three dollars. The management of SNOT is contemplating a press release on a totally legitimate extremely honest wire service that will publish any lie you want of a possible new revolutionary patented product which they are possibly forming a business partnership with somebody else very big I am not sure about to perhaps maybe exclusively distribute in Foreign Lands but the patent is not quite done yet and the money should roll in soon. Are you following me here, fool? EARL! MORE GINGER ALE! I'M WORKING HERE, EARL! ~~~~~

cS: IM With Yoo JImmY< go AHEad on!!!! AHA AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[Earl shuffles over once again and pours another fresh bottle of room-temperature Schweppes into the pickled sausage jar.]

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~OK. I am initiating contact with the President of SNOT. He says something here, I am forming contact, wait, wait, OK. Contact has been formed! He says he is very busy at the moment. He sees a nice white poodle bitch. She smells good. He also smells some different kinds of poop, a truck that needs a tune-up, some squirrels, some smelly humans, other things. He wants something to eat. He can't decide between smelling the poodle bitch or eating the dead bird over there across the street.~~~~~

cS: WH oAA!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey JImmY sounDS LIKE Yo are TALikg to A DOG,,,,, MY MAN!!!!!!! ARE YO sure that is THE PRsidENt fo the COMPany?????? TAHt soundS LIKe a Dog, JImmY!!!!!!!!!

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~~ Ah! Yes, you are correct. My error. No problem, one moment, one moment, I am initiating contact now. Wait, wait, I am forming contact, wait, wait, OK. Contact has been formed! He says he is awaiting final approval for the exclusive contract which grants him distribution of the secret revolutionary new product that will put GE and Microsoft and Sun Microsystems and Pfizer out of business. News will be out soon on the legitimate wire service that will print any lie you ask them to if you pay money. The president of SNOT says he will personally call the market makers to ensure that when the buying comes in on the stock they will be ready and standing by. I like that, that's nice of him, don't you think? Very accommodating. The new product will change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands. And who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a daily metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for~~~~~

cS: WHOA Whoa JIMMY sounds like You got A FREqesncy croSSED upthere Dood you are Tuned onto NICKELODoen, dOOd!!!!!!

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Ah, yes, let me turn that down. EARL! TURN OFF THE TV, I'M WORKING HERE, EARL! MORE ALKI-SELTZER EARL!~~~~~

[Earl shuffles over again, and drops the entire bottle of Alki-Seltzer along with 9 Taco Bell Extra Hot Sauce plasic thingies, into the pickled sausage jar.]

LJTFSPG: ~~~~~EARL! DAMMIT EARL, YOU MORON! THAT'S NOT FUNNY EARL! EARL! EARL! I'M LOSING CONTACT WITH THE EXECUTIVES OF THE COMPANY EARL! HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CONTINUE MY MASSIVE DUE DILIGENCE, EARL? EARL! EARL!~~~~~

[Earl slowly unbuttons his shirt, revealing a Beefy T with the words "It's For Your Own Good, Kid. COUSIN SHORTY Rules!" imprinted in large red letters on the front. Earl chuckles and low-fives cOUSIN SHORTY]

cS: AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK MY FIREnds!! THAnks for Dropping BY the spacECRAFT AND Until Next tome, REEMBENr , cOUSIN SHORTY Loves you EVWEn if yo Are a numbSKull KID, aand

sEE YOU AT the Top!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your FREind,

cOUSIN SHORTY

[Back to Ax cOUSIN SHORTY]

Contents copyright © 1999 by cOUSIN SHORTY.com, and may not be reproduced without permission.